Special Education

Death & Grieving

A Parent Guide to Understanding
Trauma and Loss

Death and grieving

Tell children about death of a loved one. Sometimes parents are so preoccupied with their own grief that they fail to consider their children's own grief. This is particularly true when children do not demonstrate what we often consider the obvious signs of grief. Others want to protect children from pain and sadness. These motives are understandable but providing children with simple, honest, age appropriate information, gives them the right to grieve. Crying and other forms of grief are healing and are not a symptom to be controlled. Children should be encouraged to ask questions and respond as they feel. It is important to remember that the absence of tears does not mean they do not feel grief. Communicate that grief lasts far longer than anyone expects although the intensity usually subsides. Certain events such as birthdays and holidays may result in a 'revisitation' of grief.

• Include them in the funeral rituals. In a age appropriate manner explain the events surrounding the funeral. Avoid euphemisms (sleeping, passed away) rather use the words death/dead.

• Provide family reassurance and support. When a parent dies, most children are fearful about what might happen to them should the remaining parent die. They may need repeated gentle assurance that although their parent or relative has died and will not return. It is essential that all efforts be made to prevent any further breakup of the family after bereavement.

• Children often express their concerns through play but be available if the play leads to discussion. Get down to the children's level (play on the floor if necessary) and see the world through their eyes.

The stages of grieving

While the following commonly occur in the grief experience, it is important to remember that grief does not follow a defined pattern. These stages may be experienced repeatedly, in different sequence and with differing intensity.

Denial

Denial tends to be a shock absorber which temporally reduces the full impact of the crisis. This might involve a person's unwillingness to talk about the loss. Young children do not understand death and its finality. In the early stages denial isn't something that is wrong, needing correction, however problems can occur if it continues. Give permission to feel the feeling.

Anger/Guilt

Anger or guilt often occur due to a person's feeling of powerlessness over losing something or someone. Conscious or unconscious questions include: How could he/she do this to me? Why would God allow it? How could the doctors be so incompetent? Blaming others can also be a common response. It is important to admit the anger, identify the real source of the anger, understand that it is okay to be angry and then seek healthy ways to express it. This might include strenuous physical activity, journaling, drawing, playing with sand, water or play dough etc. Children may feel that they somehow created the situation. "If only I had done/hadn't done, then...". Reassure that death and loss are not the child's fault.

Sorrow/Depression

Sorrow and depression are the most recognizable stages in the grief process. Marked by some or all of: crying, isolation, silence, a loss of energy, and an inability to sleep. Allow and encourage expressions of grief. Boys may particularly need permission to cry. Emphasize that crying is not a sign of weakness rather it can be a sign of strength. It is the facing and acknowledgment of loss; e.g. "It's okay to cry now. You've got a lot to cry about, so go ahead." Activity is helpful for depression although sometimes depression is so deep that even activity seems too difficult. Referral to the family physician is encouraged for this type of depression and depression that persists.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a means of trying to regain control or to make sense of what has occurred. This often takes the form of a promise to God that things will change if only He does something. The question "Why?" is very naturally asked through all stages but is perhaps most prevalent in the anger and the bargaining phase. Unfortunately, in almost every situation the "why's" have no satisfying answer. The real problem cannot be faced until the "why" is abandoned and the person looks at "who, when, where and how" things happened. The reality of what has happened cannot be changed.

Acceptance/Admission

Acceptance and admission of our powerlessness in the situation is not quickly or easily reached. Having grieved, we can move on with life. Emphasize that acceptance in not a matter of forgetting, it is a full acceptance that the loss was real, significant and painful.

The Grief Process

Grief is a natural and normal process. It is the work we must do to come to terms with loss. Grief is not a single emotion, but rather it is a constellation of feelings which can be expressed through a variety of behaviours and thoughts. Because there are many ways to express grief, there are many ways to resolve grief. It should be remembered, then, that children who are grieving may show a variety of physiological symptoms and psychological and behavioural responses.

Grief is the healthiest way to accept a loss and put it into perspective. It helps us to face the reality of loss, to recover, and to grow through the experience. The expression of grief may differ with each individual, yet follow a broad common framework. It is important to understand the process of grief.

No matter what type of loss is experienced, the same process is generally gone through each time, although the length and intensity of the experience will differ. The stages of grief are not necessarily in a particular order. An individual may flow back and forth between stages. There is no set time for an individual to spend in each stage. To reach a level of acceptance may take months or years.

The information in this pamphlet is based on materials prepared by School District 38 (Richmond), School District 36 (Surrey) and Health and Welfare Canada.

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