Special Education

When Does the Hurting Stop?

A Parent Guide for Assisting Young Children
Through Trauma and Loss

Possible reactions by children under age six

Disruption of family routines can make children irritable, angry and confused, or quiet and withdrawn. They long for things to be as they were. Some behaviours include: whining, wetting themselves, asking to be fed or dressed, not allowing parents out of their sight, terrified of crowds and a need to be continually held.

Children who cling to their parents are expressing fears of separation in a very natural way. Because their security has been threatened (trauma; loss-death, separation, a move), they are trying to prevent anything from disrupting their feeling of being safe and protected. Security and comfort are provided by attaching to special blankets, animals etc. or habits such as thumb sucking and nail biting.

How you can help:

• Understand your child's regressive behaviour is normal and is usually temporary.

• Try not to overreact. Relax. Over concern, nagging and punishment often cause undesirable behaviours to last longer.

• Acknowledge, encourage and praise appropriate and positive behaviour.

• Spend extra time with your children. Show them they are understood and loved and that you aren't upset by their regressive behaviour.

• Clinging children need to know that you will come back. Be patient. Leave when necessary but don't go without telling them where you are going and that you will return. Give lots of extra praise, love and attention.

• Keep the family together especially in the early days after a traumatic event such as disaster or loss. It is natural to want to protect your children and send them away from unpleasant situations, but this may add to their fears, not lessen them. Children need their parents or familiar adults around them as much as possible.

• In the case of disasters, including your children in the clean up helps give needed activity.

• Return to regular family routines as soon as possible. This includes re-establishment of bedtime schedules and having playmates over. Familiar routines are comforting for a child.

Possible reactions by children ages six to 11

At this age fears and anxieties are based on an increasing awareness of real danger. Loss of prized possessions, especially pets, seems to hold special meaning. Imaginary fears that seem unrelated to the loss may appear as well. Regressive behaviour may appear such as bed wetting, clinging, and nightmares, sometimes to a marked degree. Where the loss is associated with a disaster such as a fire, flood etc.; weather conditions (thunder, lightning, heavy winds) may trigger fears that the disaster will recur. Other reactions can include: irritability, disobedience, depression, headaches and visual or hearing problems.

How you can help:

• Take your children's fears seriously. A child's fear doesn't have to make sense. A child who is afraid is truly afraid. Don't be angry or make fun. Don't say, "It's silly to be afraid." rather say, "I can see you are afraid." or "It is a scary feeling when you think you're all alone." Being told that it is normal to feel afraid is reassuring.

• Listen to what your children tell you. Knowing their fears will help you understand the situation.

• Don't force your children to be brave or face what frightens them. Help by easing them out of the fear. The stronger the fear, the greater the need to confront it gradually and the longer it will take to overcome. Help by providing: a night light, gradually moving it away, a flashlight by the child's bed or a friend to sleep overnight.

• Explain the situation as best you can. Situations which are not understood cause the greatest fear. Information helps normalize the event.

• Provide an atmosphere in which children can talk freely about their fears. Often parents are reluctant due to the belief that this keeps painful memories alive and harms them. Children who think that their parents don't understand their fears feel ashamed, rejected, unloved, consequently, even more afraid.

• While it is important to demonstrate strength and control to your children, it will not harm them to let them know they you experience fear. Put there feelings into words such as, "It is a scary feeling when it rains/thunders etc." This encourages children to talk about their own experience.

Understanding children's nightime fears

Children may refuse to go to their rooms or be reluctant to sleep by themselves. When they go to bed, they may have difficulty falling asleep. Once asleep, they may awaken frightened, crying, screaming or shaking with re-experienced terror. Once awake they may insist on sleeping with their parents or have someone stay near them. They may also express fears of darkness.

Traumatic events and loss naturally increase a child's fear of separation from parents. It is normal for a child to seek the comfort of a parent's presence. Nightmares provide a way for children to work through strong emotions. The frightening creatures and events encountered are as real as daily life.

To calm your child, differentiate what is real from what is fantasy. To do this you need to hear what the nightmare was about. Listen without interruptions. Do not deny the fear by saying, "There's nothing to be afraid of." Validate the experience by saying, "That sounds like a frightening experience. I don't blame you for hiding/crying/screaming." Give reassurance that you are near. Allowing the child to sleep on a mattress in your bedroom or in another child's room on a temporary basis might help.

If a child is having increasing numbers of nightmares or is extremely upset, seek the help of a school counsellor, family doctor or public health nurse.

How you can help:

• Increased time with your children during waking hours will help them feel more secure at night.

• Providing opportunity for exercise and vigorous play helps burn off excess tension and creates needed fatigue.

• Providing a comforting bedtime routine (quiet play, telling a story, comforting toys) contributes to a sense of well being needed to reduce stress. This time also enables children to share anxieties and fears with their parents.

• If your children gets out of bed, lead them calmly back, reassuring them of your presence: "I'm here and I love you, but it's time to go to sleep now."

• If your children calls to you or cry after being put to bed, go and offer hugs of reassurance. Acknowledge their fear of separation, "It can be scary when you are by yourself." Reassure them of your presence: "We are here. We will protect you and make sure that no harm comes to you." It can be helpful to have a nightlight on and the door left open.

• If your children wake up frightened, go to them at once and provide comfort. Try not to turn on a light or talk in a loud voice. Acknowledge the fear, "You must have had a very scary dream."

A Difficult Time

The events of recent days have, no doubt, been upsetting for you and your child. Traumatic events shake the world that we had considered safe and predictable. These events also create a high level of confusion and apprehension. Discussion in the news and on the playground often adds to the disruption.

Children exposed to a loss or a sudden violent event experience intense feelings, including anxiety and fear. These feelings are very normal responses. They fear injury, death, being separated from family loss. These fears are very real to the child and should be accepted at face value by parents. This isn't to say that these reactions won't be upsetting or confusing, but remember a wide range of reactions to a loss are normal.

We all recognize the expressions of the crying child, but we aren't always able to recognize the signs and needs of the angry child or the withdrawn child. Sometimes we don't connect certain behaviour to the tragedy. This pamphlet is intended to help you, as a parent, to understand and help your children through this difficult time.

Other sources of help

Loss and disaster wound many, even those who seem not to be touched by what occurred. There is no shame in expressing your pain as well as the pain felt by your children. There is also no shame in seeking help from people in the community. School counsellors, counselling clinics, Health Department personnel, the clergy etc. are just some of the resources available to assist you and your family.

Caring for the caregiver

Disaster and loss can have a profound effect far beyond anything this brochure can address. Those in the midst of crisis understand that it is one thing to know helpful ideas; it is quite another issue to practice them. At these times, even the simplest steps can seem almost impossible. Calming the distressed child or feeling confined by the clinging child can be emotionally draining in the extreme.

Walt Whitman said, "I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person." At one level Whitman is describing the attitude needed to help people in pain but his words also point out that the wounds felt by those we love, are felt by us as well. In order to take care of yourself, be certain not to put unreasonable demands on yourself by trying to be all things to all people. Expectation and normal daily activities may need to be scaled down. Remember:

1. Grief usually lasts longer than anticipated. Most response occurs in the first days and weeks but the effects of grief are often revisited for some time.

2. Most of your children's reactions are normal responses to disaster or loss.

The information in this pamphlet is based on materials prepared by School District 38 (Richmond), School District 36 (Surrey) and Health and Welfare Canada.

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