Special Education

Appendix 4 - Understanding and Coping With Grief

Grief is a process. It is the work we must do to come to terms with loss. Grief is not a single emotion, but rather it is a constellation of feelings which can be expressed through a variety of behaviours and thoughts. Because there are many ways to express grief, there are many ways to resolve grief. It should be remembered, then, that children who are grieving may show a variety of physiological symptoms and psychological and behavioural responses. Since there are varying theories on the child's concept of death, it is helpful to ask the student for his/her own interpretation of what happened in order to deal with the issues at the most appropriate level of understanding.

The Grief Process

Grief is a natural and normal process. It is a physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological response. Grieving is a common life process.

Grief is the healthiest way to accept a loss and put it into perspective. It helps us to face the reality of loss, to recover, and to grow through the experience. The expression of grief may differ with each individual, yet follow a broad common framework. It is important to understand the process of grief.

No matter what type of loss is experienced, the same process is generally gone through each time, although the length and intensity of the experience will differ. The stages of grief are not necessarily in a particular order. An individual may flow back and forth between stages. There is no set time for an individual to spend in each stage. To reach a level of acceptance may take months or years.

This appendix provides three resources that are useful in gaining a perspective on the grief process and the possible grief reactions of children and adults. These include the Stages of Grief developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, descriptors of Children's Concept of Death and suggested ways to provide comfort to a grieving child or an adult.

Stages of Grief

This is a description of the adult grief process which was originally developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying. It is widely used in the field of hospice for dying patients. Ross's stages were originally developed from her work with dying cancer patients, but the stages have been generalized and applied to many other areas of adult grieving.

Although considered classic for adults, children's grieving is not commonly described with the same adult stages. Terese Rando uses different descriptors for the stages of grieving for children in her book Grief, Dying and Death:

• avoidance
• confrontation
• reestablishment.

Children's concept of death
This is a commonly accepted description of children's concepts of death at different ages. Children develop at different rates and may not fit these categories exactly. Different cultures vary in their concepts of death as well as in their methods of grieving.

3-5 Years Old
These children do not yet accept death as a permanent process. Death is seen as an ending. They fear separation and abandonment more than death. Children may feel mad or sad that someone is not coming home. They often ask questions such as "When will grandma come back?"

5-9 Years Old
Children of this age are beginning to understand that death is very concrete and irreversible. They may fear darkness and being alone. They know the body decays, but believe the spirit still lives. Talk openly to clear up misconceptions and lessen fears. Reassure children that they will be looked after and accept that their level of conceptual understanding necessitates a concrete view of death.

10-14 Years Old
Children are beginning to understand and accept a mature, realistic explanation of death as final and inevitable. They are developing their independence from parents but are not yet fully established individuals. Consequently, a death, especially of a peer, can cause considerable distress based on a fear for their own security. They may refuse to believe they are mortal.

15-18 Years Old
Teens are aware of complex social issues. They are moving to a more abstract level of thinking and yet their tendency is to react, especially in the death of a person, in a highly dramatic intense fashion, with a reliance on personalized rituals, symbols, etc. Their energy can appear to come in great spurts and their responses can be unpredictable.

Adult
The variety of grief response in adults is extensive, largely due to how previous losses have or have not been resolved. It is important to remember that culture plays an important role in how the experience of death is expressed and resolved.

Suggested ways to provide comfort

To comfort a grieving child:

• Be yourself. Show your natural concern and sorrow in your own way and own words.
• Be there. Spend time with the child walking, reading, talking. Spend some time with the child away from the group.
• Listen. Be sure to have good eye contact. Use simple, direct words. Let the child be mad or express other feelings.
• Explain things. Give information about what's going to happen. Keep promises made. Be as predictable as possible.
• Comfort the child. Don't assume that a seemingly calm child is not sorrowing. If you can, be a friend to whom feelings can be confided and with whom tears can be shed.

To comfort a grieving adult

• Be there. Attend the funeral, visit, call and spend time with those grieving. Particularly after the initial attention subsides, bring food, do errands.
• Listen. Grieving people need to talk about the sudden vacuum in their lives. Allow them to know that you wish to hear about their experiences. Don't force conversation, allow the grieving person to lead. Don't attempt to tell the grieving person how he/she feels. Ask (without probing), but realize you can only know what you are told.
• Avoid talking to others about trivia in the presence of the recently grieving person, even if this is done to distract the bereaved.
• Don't take away pictures, clothing, student belongings and/or desk too quickly. Acknowledge the death.
• Send a note. Notes can share personal memories, short and simple.
• Give a gift. Donate a collection of poems, a book to the library in memory of the deceased, a gift to a related charity.
• Extend an invitation. Consider what the person likes to do. Bereaved people often decline invitations or cancel at the last minute. Don't give up. Ask again. Don't forget the person after time has past.
• Encourage the postponement of major decisions. Whatever can wait should wait until after the period of intense grief.

Table of Contents